Obesity: Really Not As Bad As It Sounds (or looks… or smells)

Today, we will be discussing a topic which is very near and dear to my cholesterol-addled heart: being fat!
Despite what the health industry is saying with all of its surveys, all of the media’s “America’s Getting Fatter” exposés, and the hard evidence based on the multitudes of other fat people getting fat-sick and dying, I’m down with obesity, and this post is here to help spread the word like mayonnaise on a giant cheeseburger.

Yo, you gotta get some fucking ONION RINGS on that shit.

I’ve got 3 XXL reasons why being fat is phat:

1) The belly of a fat person makes a kick-ass shelf/table. If I’m carrying a bunch of shit, and I need to free up a hand, I just lean back a bit and stack that shit on the top of my stomach. Now that’s efficiency. Who ever said fat people didn’t have anything to offer society? You just need to catch ’em before diabetes takes there feet.
Here’s a photographic demonstration so you skinnies can better grasp what I’m talking about here:

Cut the guy some slack, “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Shaping the New You” is a pretty hefty book.

He should totes go the Kindle route. He could fit like three of those up there.

Another functional fat-ass at the beach:

Watermelon is the preferred fruit of the fat people, because it's red and sweet like candy, and we can identify with the shape.

And here’s a fat man defying the odds and becoming the life of the party with his fat shelf:

I don't think his eyes are the primary identifier.

2) Being fat opens up a whole host of career options that aren’t afforded to the physically attractive community! Don’t believe me? Fuck off and look at these pictures:
The Cat-Calling Construction Worker!

"Hey dollface, lookin' ta get drilled?"

(Side Note: The Google Image search for “fat construction worker” brought back a lot of porn. Strange days.)

Also, if you happen to be one of the “socially bearable” type-fat people, there’s the world of Stand-Up Comedy!

Jesus, cheap-shotting himself and making light of his and many others' severe health problems just to get a laugh because he's desperate for attention. It's pathetic, really.

Lastly, one of the oldest fatty-jobs, Opera Singer!

Do fat people sing better? Maybe. Do they look funnier? Definitely.

3) And, for my third and last reason being fat is fucking great and in no way a hindrance to quality of life is the Mobility Scooter. With the advent of motorized chairs with wheels that you can buy and have delivered off of the TV, fat people can now leave the house with ease and buy shit that will make them fatter!

"What the hell makes you think I'd like to try your new Grilled Chicken Salad?"

"What? I have vertigo."

"These mobility scooters are great! I can even cart around my fat fucking date!"

In conclusion, as a fat person, I hope I have revealed to you the truth behind being fat and the wonders it holds in store. Now, with this newly-gained knowledge, go get some newly-gained weight and have a great time! The world is your deep-fried oyster!

"After you take the picture, I can ditch these and hit those cheese danishes, right?"