Things That Scare the Shit Out of Me, Vol. 1

(Inspired by the illustrious Kyle, the earthling of whom I am the Bizarro World version of)

‘Allo, Loves! This is the first installment of what will become a recurring topic on geraldwritesthings. Enjoy!

I’m sure that there are things out there that scare you. Things that if you see or even start thinking about, your hands become shaky and weak like a barren branch in a winter wind, a cold sweat collects on your brow like a dark pool in a forbidden wood, and your sphincter slams shut like the heavy door to a mausoleum, locking behind you.

Call it a phobia, call it being a pussy, whatever – the fact remains that some things are  JUST SCARY. For most people, the list usually includes spiders, heights, clowns, drowning, you could probably think of a hundred things that belong on a standard fear list. These fears all have one thing in common:

They’re Fucking Boring.

I mean, come on man, who would be afraid of drowning if it meant getting to kick it with a group of hip, physically attractive, lightly-dressed individuals such as these?


So now you want to know what constitutes a real fear? An exciting one, as opposed to some of this other run-of-the-mill bullshit? Well here you go.

Your average Joe or Jane, strolling through some realtor’s open house, might stop in the living room and say something like “Oh my, this room gets such great natural light from these large windows! Oh, and the view! This is just beautiful, isn’t it honey?”

Fuck no, it isn’t beautiful! You need to get that shit boarded up or something. Who the hell knows what’s gonna break through that and stab you in the neck, probably with a shard of glass from the big beautiful window it just jumped through! More likely, someone’s just gonna stand there and watch you through it, studying your routine for three months and waiting for the perfect moment to bust in, chloroform you, and make a one-piece bathing suit out of your skin. And the natural light? The sun burns me worse than hallowed ground, I don’t need any of that shit. And if I had a view half as good out of a window as I do on my TV watching every season of Star Trek: The Next Generation on Instant Watch, I’d just go outside and see it instead of looking at it through the FASTPASS entrance into my house for cannibals and rapists.

I look at this and think "Not only can like thirteen mental-hospital escapees fit through this, but they have a comfortable little place to rest after skullfucking me."

Just when you thought this post was going to be xenophobia-free, the second fear on my list is that of the people of Ireland and all descendents of Irish immigrants.

“But Gerald, I’m Irish! What the fuck?”

I’ll tell you what the fuck. What scares me about Irish people is the Irish Pride epidemic, or the Green Death. I find the rampant and unchecked spread of Irish Pride incredibly alarming. It’s beyond me how the only contagious psychological disorder has not only never been recognized or attempted to cure by the medical community, but is actually encouraged and spread through products available to innocent consumers. Now upon seeing things like this in a department store, most people would dismiss it as innocuous:

Dioxide? Seems harmless.

You’re wrong, caption. It seeks nothing but your destruction. You see, it starts here, but if left untreated, Irish Pride could metastasize into this fucking mess:

"Kiss Me, I'm Positive for Green Death!"

Here we see a host body attempting to spread the plague through the most common mode of transmission, orally. As the very thinly-veiled propaganda states: “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.” The virus is sentient to the point of understanding and exploiting our species’ greatest weakness, our love of sexy-times. The symptoms of Irish Pride may seem at first very similar to those of histrionic personality disorder: desperate attention-seeking (note the stupid hat in the above picture), the insatiable need for approval (I’m Irish! See? Look at my stupid hat! I’m claiming admittance into a group that I’m separated from by six generations!), and inappropriate seductive behavior (Kiss Me, I’m Wearing a Stupid Hat!). But it goes deeper than that. Much deeper than I think the American populace is ready to believe.

The Green Supremacy Movement: It's real

 And if you still aren’t sold on the frightening threat posed by the Irish, take a look at what is possible when Irish Pride completely consumes an infected individual:

When did Abu Ghraib re-enactments become a part of St. Patty's Day festivities?

So there’s my first two REAL fears, stay tuned for other Things That Scare the Shit Out of Me! Also, if you have any out-of-the-ordinary things that scare the shit out of you, comment them on here! Thanks for reading, see you next time.